Lately, my social media feed has been dominated by these man vs bear memes. Would you rather be alone in the forest with a man or a bear? Often, the situation is quite under-described. There are bears in the forests where I live, but despite lots of hiking I never see any; they keep to themselves. In general, I'm neither afraid of random bears nor random hikers regardless of the latter's gender. However, the memes sometimes ask whether you'd rather meet a man or a bear when alone in the forest. If a bear walked towards me on the trail, that would be hella weird bear behaviour and I'd be scared. And some posters explicitly say that the bear might be dangerous, might attack and maul them, but even so - that's nothing compared to what you'd expect ... uh ... some random hiker dude to do to you? What the fuck, people.
I discussed this with a couple of American colleagues the other day (colleagues who belong to the same gender as me - by which I mean the scared one, see further below for explanation). Lots of women have been victims of rape and physical assault. These are, sadly, common crimes. But in the overwhelming majority of cases, the perpetrator was the woman's partner or another man she knows. Stranger rape is rare. As a matter of fact, men are much more likely than women to be victims of violence from strangers. (Of course, statistics can vary over time and between countries, but this is a really strong pattern in Sweden, the US, and many other places.) Thus, if these constant violence warnings were based on actual risks, men would be told to stay at home so they don't get hurt, whereas women would be told to stay single.
But the warnings are not based on facts. They're based on traditional gender roles (which makes it highly ironic that so many feminists share these memes). Men are supposed to be strong and invulnerable and not have to worry about being victimized, while women are supposed to be little damsels in perpetual distress. And, of course, women aren't supposed to be out and about so much. Your place is in the kitchen, ladies! Not out in public. Or the woods.
The man vs bear thing is the latest, but not the only viral thing of this kind. I remember how this thing went around social media a few years ago, where women wrote of what they would do if all men got a curfew or all men got locked up somewhere. Women then proceeded to list perfectly normal stuff that I already do without a second thought.
Now, stranger rape does happen. If someone is extremely scared of unknown men because they or someone close to them have been through this, it would be a real dick move to rub statistics in their face and say it's nothing to worry about. It's like serious car crashes that maim or kill people; they're not very common, but it would be a real dick move to rub statistics in the face of someone who had been hurt in a crash. The big difference is that no one expects everyone to be terrified of cars. No one asks me "wow, you have a car? That you drive in? Aren't you scared that you'll get hurt or die? No matter how well you drive, you never know when you'll meet a drunk in a two-ton jeep who comes driving full speed at the wrong side of the road, and then it's game over! I really don't understand how you dare."
But people do ask these really absurd questions re stranger rape. For instance, I once had to go from the bus station to my then-house via a pitch dark forest path and I didn't have a light with me. I thought well, worst case scenario is that I get lost, which is gonna suck, because then I'll have to freeze my arse off waiting for sunrise, when I'll find my way again. But I can probably find my way home by what little moon light there is and by feeling my way along. And I did.
When I mentioned this to some other people later, I was asked whether I wasn't scared of being attacked.
Let's unpack this, shall we? It's a little path. Through the forest. That a couple of people a day takes. So this would-be rapist hides behind a tree, for hours or days even, freezing his balls off, on the off chance that a lone woman will walk by? That's the scenario you think it makes sense to worry about?
I was even asked, once, whether I'm not scared of taking long walks alone on the frozen sea in the winter. It's the sea! Which is, famously, quite flat! I can see for kilometers that there's no one coming to attack me! Am I supposed to worry about the possibility that some rapist has donned an isolating snowsuit, buried himself in a small mound of snow, breathing through a straw, on the off chance that a lone woman will walk by?
When I worry about demons hiding in mirrors, then I'm "insane" and should "take my meds", but worrying about arctic snow-burrowing rapists is apparently quite normal and sane.
You can't talk about how all women spend their lives in constant fear of stranger rape, you can't keep asking women who don't do so why they're not more afraid and how dare they, without creating a norm. When we talk like this, we're not just describing a state of affairs that already exists, we contribute to making women unnecessarily afraid, and making women needlessly restrict their lives.
Another example from an online discussion: It started with a woman writing about how some guy groped her in the metro. She didn't protest, and felt bad about not doing so afterwards. She wanted to initiate a discussion about the problematic psychological obstacles that prevent many people from simply going "Hey! Get your hand off my arse! Fuck off!"
In so many ways, people in general and women in particular are socialized into being nice and polite and people-pleasers. We're socialized into giving people the benefit of the doubt rather than getting pissed off ("maybe his hand just happened to brush on ..."). Children are often taught, from a young age, that it's wrong to protest against being hugged even if they feel uncomfortable, they should put up with all kinds of unwanted physical affection - but even if said unwanted affection isn't sexual at all, it merely comes from adults who think the kid is so cute, this type of socialization often spills over and makes it harder to object against unwanted sexual touching too.
These are real and important problems to discuss. However, another woman complained that men can't understand how scared you become when groped, and how impossible it is to just tell someone off "but maybe if we compared being groped to having someone threaten you with a knife, men might understand what it's like".
Okay. If someone pulls a knife at you, they might seriously hurt or even kill you. Depending on the details of the case, the safest course of action might be to be as quiet and passive as possible so as not to further provoke the knife-wielder. Your life is on the line!
Now, which message do we send if we say that being groped in the metro is like being threatened with a knife? That it's not only psychologically difficult to protest, but dangerous to do so. You'd better do nothing when you're groped.
Ten-thousand dollar question: Who gains if women believe that they shouldn't protest when someone gropes them in the metro? Is it
a) women?
or
b) metro gropers?
Moreover, whereas some men feel bad about being painted with this broad more-dangerous-than-a-bear-brush, others love this meme and happily share it around. Love it in a kind of ... iffy way.
It's possible to have empathy and compassion with people you respect and consider your equals when they're going through a rough time. This is an important part of friendship and other close relationships! But it's also possible to pity people and offer your help in a condescending way; here, let me, who's so much more powerful than you and so much better off, gracefully lend you a hand. Here, you poor little creature, you don't need to cry anymore! Your betters have to come rescue you.
I think most people who consider themselves feminists and committed to social justice recognize how problematic it can be when white wealthy influencers travel to some poor country to, say, build a school or what-not - they might not know much about building houses, but these poor things should be grateful for any help they get. Cue selfies with little African children, look at this poor little child, how sad his life is! Fortunately, I'm here to make things better. Smile for the camera, kid! I wish more people cared about these poor, unfortunate souls as much as I do.
Sometimes, when men talk about how much they pity women and how important it is that men help women, there's a similar vibe.
I've seen people share a post by some man who says that it's wrong for men to feel insulted when women say they prefer to meet the bear. Instead, strong, powerful men like himself must listen to those poor, scared little women when they speak about their plight. Men must appreciate how terribly hard it is to be a weak, helpless woman. For instance, he remembers this time when he was simply walking down the street, minding his own business, and spotted a woman further ahead. She realized that a man walked on the same street as her, and he could tell from her body language that she became terrified! As a strong, powerful man, his mere presence suffices to scare every woman within a hundred meter radius absolutely shitless!
He's pretty much like the Old Testament God, whose mere presence is enough to make mortals tremble. Not his comparison, it's mine, but it struck me while reading this post. Of course, he writes that it's horrible that women are so scared of men, they shouldn't have to be - it's hard to be a god, as the Strugatsky brothers said. Nevertheless, the post goes on, in the patriarchal world in which we live, it's only natural that women react like this to any man who appears in their vicinity. It's up to men to change this! (Up to God to be a benevolent God, a protective God rather than a smiting one.)
No matter how hard it is to be a god, I can't help suspecting that it also feels a little bit awesome to think of yourself as this strong and powerful, and think of those others, of women, as constantly scared and helpless and in need of protection.
(Now I imagine a male reader angrily asking whether I wouldn't want someone to save me if someone attacked me? Of course I would. I'd prefer not to be attacked in the first place, but if I am, I prefer to be saved over not being saved. But surely that holds for you too, imaginary male reader. You would also prefer not to be attacked in the first place, but if you are, you would prefer to be saved over not being saved. As I said in the beginning, you're even at a higher risk than me! None of this implies that you'd like other people to have a constant condescending protective attitude.)
Finally, as a non-binary colleague pointed out when we discussed this: man vs bear and similar discourse assumes a strict gender binary. Of course, some people who post about these things try to be trans-inclusive: they'll talk about how women and non-binary people would rather meet a bear than a man, or even more narrowly about how cis men pose a danger to everyone else. But that's still a strict binary!
There are only two genders, do you hear? You're ether scary or scared.
